Economics in Santa Banana

May 9, 2008  --  Got something to say?
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Street Talk By Greg B. MacabentaGreg B. Macabenta
According to historians, the reason the Central American Republic of
Santa Banana was given that name was because its economy was sagging.

But times have changed. The incumbent president of Santa Banana, Gloria
En Excesses Deo, is an economist of the highest order. As a matter of
fact, it was because of her economic prowess that she got started in
public office and became a shining star in the Senate.

President Gloria was a classmate of former President Bill Clintoris in
Harvard. Bill Clintoris is famous for winning the presidency by taunting
his opponent: “It’s the economy stupid!”

And so, Stupid lost to Clintoris. But his son, Stupid Jr., subsequently
became president. Which confirms the old saying, “If you nominate only
stupid candidates for the presidency, the people will invariably elect a
stupid president.”

That gives a lot of people in the Republic of Santa Banana something to
hope for. An unusually large number of stupid individuals are thinking
of running for president. They are encouraged by the scuttlebutt going
around in Santa Banana that Gloria En Excesses Deo is so unpopular that
if a dog were to run against her in the 2010 elections, the dog would win.

Well, you crack a joke like that and people take you seriously. Now, it
looks like the list of “presidentiables” for 2010 resembles a zoo.
They’ve got all kinds of animals actually believing that they deserve to
be president.

But, to go back to the economist in President Gloria En Excesses Deo.
Since magically winning the presidency with the help of the Commission
on Elections Chairman and hamburjer magnate, Benjamin Abawin, the
president has been heaping praise on her own achievements in growing the
economy of Santa Banana.

“The economy is no longer sagging,” she stated at her last State of
the Nation speech. “It is now standing upright on its own, like a
glorious phallic symbol.”

In truth, in Santa Banana, the rich have become even more rich because
of the many economic opportunities being made available to them by the
government. In this context, there has, admittedly, been tremendous
economic progress.

However, this wealth has not flowed down to the poor, the way her
economic principles predict. In Santa Banana, the poor are getting
poorer, while the rich continue to get richer.

But President Gloria refuses to acknowledge this. She insists that her
economic policies are sound and, therefore, if the poor claim that they
are getting poorer, then they are fooling themselves.

“How can they be poor when they fill up the malls, not only on weekends
but on weekdays as well?” she snaps, displaying her usual impatience
with people who question her economic theories. “How can they be poor
when all the restaurants in Metro Banana are filled to overflowing? How
can people be poor when everyone goes out drinking every night until the
wee hours of the morning?”

And, having said that, she puts her foot down and declares: “The economy
of Santa Banana is booming, and there will be no arguments about that.
Basta!”

In this respect, President Gloria is a very remarkable individual. She
has the uncanny ability of making black look like white and vice-versa.
When she declares that the economy is booming, even if thousands of
people are living in poverty, then she must be right. And the poor must
be wrong about being poor.

This almost supernatural ability is currently being demonstrated in the
face of the rice crisis plaguing Santa Banana.

“Rice crisis? What rice crisis?” she demands to know.

Dutifully, the members of her cabinet and her spokespersons agree:
“There is NO rice crisis.”

The fact is that there is a worldwide food shortage and rice is among
the staples running in short supply. The biggest rice-producing
countries have slowed down their exports in order to meet their own
predicted shortfalls.

Santa Banana, which taught these other countries how to produce rice, is
now among the world’s biggest rice importers. Some media wise guys have
argued that “there may be no rice crisis but there is a crisis in the
price of rice.”

Again, President Gloria refuses to acknowledge that. For this reason,
she has directed that rice be rationed to the masses at subsidized prices.

“Where’s the crisis?” she asks again. “People are buying rice. And
where’s the price crisis? People are paying low prices for the rice.”

And so President Gloria’s economic principles continue to defy the Law
of Supply and Demand. She is the only head of state who has succeeded in
doing that. One former president attempted to repeal the law but failed.

Meanwhile, long lines have begun to form in Metro Banana and in the
provinces. People start forming lines as early as dawn in order to make
a purchase of rice for the day’s cooking.

But they can only buy cheap rice if they agree that there is no rice
crisis. Because Santa Bananans are civic minded, they all cooperate.
When interviewed by the media, they all declare, “There is no rice crisis.”

Being a great believer in herself, President Gloria has succeeded in
convincing herself that the economy of Santa Banana is sound. She is
also a firm believer in the economic principle that when you compete
with the rice traders, who are selling rice at a high price, by selling
rice at subsidized prices, the traders will be forced to bring down
their prices.

In support of this principle, she has directed the national treasury to
allocate billions for the purchase of rice.

Soon the money in the treasury will run out, but President Gloria is a
firm believer in another economic principle which states, “When all else
fails, God will provide.”

(gregmacabenta@hotmail.com

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