Smile, its Christmas!
December 22, 2007 -- Got something to say?
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This being the Christmas season, Tsismoso will pause for a while and feature some jokes. Some were forwarded to me via Fedex or email by Tsismosos and Tsismosas like Lito, Willy, Vic and Bing! Some of the jokes are in Tagalog (Pilipino). If you dont understand Tagalog, ask a friend to translate them.
-Prospective Employer to Applicant: So why did you leave your previous job?”
Applicant: The company relocated and they did not tell me where!
Hello! Heto na naman ako.
Gulung-gulo ulit ang isip ko. May nais lang sana akong itanong sa inyo. Alam ko matutulungan niyo ako: Ang BIRDS FLU ba ay past tense ng BIRDS FLY?
Nakasakay ka sa FX, ng ikaw ay mautot. Buti na lang malakas ang tugtog. Bawat pag-utot, sabay sa tugtog. Nang ikaw ay bumaba, ang sasama ng tingin nila sa iyo, bigla mong naalala…naka Walkman ka pala!
WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sinunod ko lang ang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya GO TO HELL, kaya ito uwi agad ako.
Lasing (takot): may multo sa banyo natin!
Wife: Ha? Bakit?
Lasing: Kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag papasok ko ng banyo eh.
Wife: Punyeta ka! ikaw pala ang umiihi sa ref!
1st night : lola wore see thru dress, lolo didnt react…
2nd night : lola wore t-back, lolo still deadma…
3rd night : lola all naked, lolo said anu yan suot mo, gusot-gusot!!
AMO: sagutin mo ang telepono, Inday!
INDAY: (baligtad ang hawak) hilo? hilo?
AMO: baligtarin mo!
INDAY: lohi? lohi?
AMO: telepon ang baligtarin mo!
INDAY: Puntili, puntili
Juan: Bay, birthday ng asawa ko.
Pedro: Ano ang regalo mo?
Juan: Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
Pedro: Ano naman sinabi?
Juan: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
Pedro: Ano ang binigay mo?
Juan: Baraha.
Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ko ng hearing aid. Grabe! ang linaw na ng pandinig ko!
Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang
Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: Thats not true! My dad sez we are descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!
Husband: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na to, lets make love for the last time…
Wife: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigising bukas, buti ikaw hindi na.
KRIMINAL #1: Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?
KRIMINAL #2: Oo, nagtataka nga ako, isang oras na tayo dito wala parin siya! Sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya.
***
Now, these jokes are for those who understand English. If you dont, bahala ka sa buhay mo:
We are a country where a good sense of humor is needed to survive. We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of politicians and bad actors. Now I ask you where else in the world would one want to live? asks Tonyboy Ongsiako, a businessman. The following is titled Filipino signs of wit. If you do not know the meaning of wit, sorry na lang. Hindi ko rin alam. Maybe it means the word with without an h.
1. The sign in a flower shop in Diliman is called Petal Attraction.
2. Anita Bakery
3. A 24-hour restaurant called Doris Day & Night
4. Barber shop called Felix The Cut;
5. A bakery named Bread Pitt
6. Fast-food place selling maruya (banana fritters) called Maruya Carey.
7. Then, there is Christopher Plumbing
8. A boutique called The Way We Wear
9. A video rental shop called Leon King Video Rental
10. A restaurant in Cainta district of Rizal called Caintacky Fried Chicken
11. A local burger restaurant called Mang Donalds
12. A doughnut shop called MacDonuts
13. A shop selling lumpia (egg roll) in Makati called Wrap and Roll
14. And two butcher shops called Meating Place and Meatropolis.
Smart travelers can decipher what may look like baffling signs to unaccustomed foreigners by simply sounding out the Taglish (The Philippine version of English words spelled and pronounced with a heavy Filipino accent such as:
15. At a restaurant menu in Cebu We hab sopdrink in can an in batol [translation: We have soft drinks in can and in bottle].
16. Then, there is a sewing accessories shop called Bids And Pises -[translation: Beads and Pieces or Bits and Pieces]
There are also many signs with either badly chosen or misspelled words, but they are usually so entertaining that it would be a mistake to correct them like…….
17. In a restaurant in BaguioCity, the summer capital of the Philippines: Wanted: Boy Waitress
18. On a highway in Pampanga: We Make Modern Antique Furniture
19. On the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan: We Shoot You While You Wait
20. And on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue in Manila: Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier.
21. A shoe store in Pangasinan which has a sign saying: We Sell Imported Robber Shoes
22. A rental property sign in Jaro reads: House For Rent, Fully Furnaced”
23.Bus in southern Philippines which said: Adults: 1 peso; Child: 50 centavos; Cadavers: fare subject to negotiation”.
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